Menstrual Madness

My abdomen collapses into a fetal position, dizziness increases lacking iron. Cramps creep into nooks of my spine I never knew existed, I can’t sleep. Balls of pain won’t cease fire despite my bff, Midol. TV ads portray fluffy white happiness during this time of the month, do consumers fall for that crock? In my menstrual madness, there is no leaping off feather beds, skipping through green pastures or frolicking bunnies. I used to get embarrassed admitting I get a period, but I do. There, the tampon is out of the wrapper. I am a woman, yes, I admit it. A favorite quote from my dear friend is “I have the right to be irritable, I bleed out of my…..” well never mind this is no anatomy blog…

The workplace expects you to keep 100% efficiency between visits to the restroom. It’s not acceptable to sprint from a corporate presentation, in business attire when reality flows. National debt could be diminished if women did not purchase such paraphernalia. It’s for the bloody birds.

Shopping, I surround womanly products on the grocery belt so shoppers won’t know “I bleed from my…” you wouldn’t believe how many times Murphy’s tampon law goes into action, with items needing a price check. Products flash at me painfully, like a disco ball at an awkward school dance. A cutie in line stands behind me, waiting. I start to sweat. He’s not looking at the beauty mags or gum, his gaze falls full fledge upon my products. The secret is out, he knows I am a woman who bleeds. Surely, that’s no conversation starter…

I want Apple to create an app to kibosh monthly flood gates. Why must women bleed like animals in the wild? I understand prairie days, but it’s 2013 friends, lets make some leaky leeway. Ladies, raise your tampons surrendering with me. There is no point, I don’t want kids. Done deal, zip it, tie it, cut and solder. What rebellious act did some chick commit back in the day anyway, causing such suffering for all womankind? In this case acceptance is for the birds. Who wants to sit on a bloody catchers mitt enduring cramps and internal chills. I’m over it, I’m done, call a plumber, plug it up. How awkward it becomes on a chairlift or flying when this intrusive liquid insanity arrives.

Yes, I am pms-ING! I am not giving excuses for my current state of irritability while sulking in self pity, but there is a hormonal shift that occurs, boys. It’s not an excuse for women to act without regard toward others, however a tampon size of compassion goes a long way. I get tired of being cranky before, during, after, well occasionally emotions seep through a months entirety, like a bloody pad.

Recently, my car dash warning light read TPMS. Was my ride sensing my mood or was it my tire pressure monitoring system? Even my dash annoyed me that day, understandable only to those who “bleed out of their…” During this time of the month, I can spiral in a complete state of menstrual madness, but like water trickling downstream this too shall pass…until next month, when I will yet again, bleed out of my…..

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